Day 5

I am giving myself a pat on the back for today. I have excercised for 5 days in a row (YAY ME!) and I have also been blogging everyday this week. I did blog yesterday but the ipad did something crazy so instead of posting my blog it saved it as a draft and I was to tired to try and find it.

Today was a so-so day for me. Mostly battling things in my head. The main thing is fear, and specifically fear of failure. It started when I put my jeans back on today and they seemed a little harder to do, not really sure why havent changed anything back, but that just put me in a tailspin of internally freaking out. I mean like thinking I have messed up my jeans are a little tighter today instead of looser, why are they? Am I doing something wrong? Will I ever beat this battle? One thing though that I am begining to truly understand though is that no matter who you are you cant just eat however you like and not have the side effects that a healthy lifestyle is all about choices whether you eat that cupcake or the cup of broccoli, whether you make the right or wrong choice. It is also more than a diet yo-yo. Its more than "Well, I ran an extra mile today so that pizza or cake or _______ (insert your own desire) wont count or because I ran that extra mile I deserve it" No this is not just some attempt to lose 60, 70, 80, 100, or more lbs for me this is a complete life overhaul. This is no more excuses and conquering the mind games that have kept me captive its also having the support in my life on the days that I feel fear or have a great day or so-so day that can tell me you can do it, or hey this might work, or even call me out on what I am doing. Who knows how long this initial journey will be, to get to my healthy weight, but I know that this is a lifelong journey of always making the healthy choices to choose excercise over tv, and carrots over cake, and water over soda. While it isnt always going to be easy or fun it is so worth the end results and thats more than being skinny. Some of the rewards I wont even know for a couple or so years.

I have been reading a friend of mine's blog about her journey and struggle to weight loss and a healthy lifestyle and here are a couple of blog entries that I read today that encouraged me.

I've never come this close to giving up

Easter Candy is the Spawn of Satan

So Long Old Self!

Day 4

Day 4...

I GOT MY JEANS ON!!!!! I bought this pair of jeans about 6 months ago and have only wore them a handful of times before I couldn't get them buttoned. So to the back of the closet they went. Well after 3 days I wanted to see if I could get them buttoned, it was really close but not quite there. So this morning I tried them on again and I was able to get them on and buttoned. I was so excited. They are still just a little to tight to really wear but hopefully by the end of this week, but definitely by next week. Tonight for dinner I did chilli again it was delish. I made Jeremy a meatloaf (he loves it) both of us had a spinach salad with veggies. I tried a new snack today it was red grapes with 2 tblsp of plain peanut butter. It was by far my favorite snack so far. I also found that today I wasn't hungry come lunch or dinner really but I know that the way I am doing this I need to eat a meal every 4 hours so that my metabolism keeps going. Still getting lots of water in, in fact tonight after dinner I felt like I wanted something to eat but I knew I wasn't hungry so instead I grabbed another bottle of water with lemon that seemed to do the trick. That was a personal accomplishment for me as I usually give in at that point in whatever diet I am doing and get some kind of something to eat. That also usually snowballs the diet failure yet I was able to stay strong. For the finishing line...

Yep those are the jeans I couldnt button last Saturday!

Day 3

Today was another great day. Woke up had my shake and pills with my 32 oz of water. For lunch I got kinda in a rush was trying to get out the door to go meet my 2 older nieces at the bus stop so they wouldnt get to their house before me and I made my shake to go. Well I pulled a blonde moment, I have been putting my multivitamin in my shake and crushing it up so its one less pill to swallow at breakfast and lunch, and I threw one in my shake and was in such a rush I couldnt remember if I had or not so just to be safe because I didnt want to miss it I threw another one in. LOL, so I ended up with 2 multivitamins in one meal.

"C" called me this afternoon doing another checkup call and I asked her if it was bad if I did that with the two vitamins and she said no and was like it will just make your pee even more bright yellow. And speaking of pee, yes I know, mine has been like neon yellow the past few days. Quite interesting, never seen anything like it.

So I have definitely learned my lesson and wont go more than four hours ever again between meals. We had our womens monthly get together at our church tonight and I didnt have time to make dinner before we left which was right at my four hour mark. We didnt get home until 830 and didnt have dinner until 9 which was 7 hours between meals and it was bad. I dont think I have ever felt so hungry and my stomach hurt to the point I had almost lost all of my appetite. Note to self, dont do that again. Other than that everything here is going good. I am excited to start my couch to 5k next week and I am so proud of myself for sticking with this and getting up and making sure that I excercise every morning which is something that I havent ever done this many days on my own but it helps that I feel a little accountable to our roomie who is doing this with me. I know she is excercising to I make sure I am doing it too.


Personal reflections for today: I have been feeling a lot of fear today. Fear of failing yet again. I am so afraid that this isnt going to work and I am trying to get over it. Even right now I think about did I over do dinner which I know I didnt. I stayed right within my portions and I was fine. I think this fear comes from failing so many times before that every other attempt I have ever made has failed. I dont think I could handle failing this again. I know really at this point I can only fail myself because I am setting high expectations. I am wanting to see the same weight loss as "A" (roomie) in the first week. I think that I will feel like I failed if I dont lose as much as her or more in the first week. I know thats ridiculous because I know that at this point any weight loss is good, but I want the big numbers. I would love to lose at least 15 lbs this first week. I know thats a lot but this was a radical lifestyle change. I know that I will succeed and I know I am sticking with this until I beat this battle in my head.

A little discouraged...

I know 2 days in not good but it's not the change that has me discouraged. I was talking to someone that at one point in my life I was extremely close too. In fact thought we would remain close the rest of our lives. However our life plans have taken us different ways and there is nothing bad about either way she is following what God has planned for her and I am following Gods plan for me. She recently lost 170 lbs for which I was so proud of her. I know she cut a lot out of her life although not really sure what as she hasn't said. Anyways I am so excited about this and have always found her to be an amazing source of encouragement especially when I needed she just seemed to know. So I start telling her about what I am doing differently and she is like well I just lost this weight all by myself and have been maintaining it for 5 months, which I find incredible but it just felt like a slap in the face. As if the fact that I am turning to this choice of lifestyle that it is not as good as doing it solo. I know that I shouldn't feel that way but for someone so close to me for such a long time to blow off the fact that I am finally taking control of this area of my life and seeking help that I shouldn't be as proud of my decision or that it isn't as good as what she did by herself. It really was hurtful. I couldn't believe it. I know that I have a long journey ahead of me but I am willing to do it.

Another note this journey has really made me reflective. I started reading today "Craving God" it's a 21 day devotional that goes along with the book "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst. I haven't read made to crave but I might have to once I finish this devotional book it is really good and I am wanting to learn to depend more on God and crave Him more in my life vs food.

I am also contemplating starting the couch to 5k in 9 weeks next week to kinda up the ante with this and it will also help me with training for a run hopefully next year. I am going to take I think about 18 weeks as I am starting as very very inactive over the past year and 1/2 to running 3x a week is going to be a big difference. Hopefully with the cooler weather it will be even more enjoyable to do it.

Day 2

So after talking to "C" (health coach) last night and talking about the pill gag reflex she gave me a couple of ideas. I tried one today with putting the pills in my shake and blending them in. That seemed to work really well will have to just gag them down at dinner, since I don't get a shake for dinner. Did notice it wasnt has hard to get all the water I needed to drink in as I just kept a 32 oz gatorade bottle filled with water and tried to drink one at each meal and than drink a glass with each snack it really makes it easy to get it all in. One thing I have noticed already is that my wedding rings fit a little looser. I know it't only been one day but I think that my fingers aren't as bloated already. At least they didn't feel as tight this morning as normal mornings do. I also am dedicated to starting this out with excercise. Although it isnt much right now. I am hoping that in the next year sometime I will have lost enough weight and built up enough stamina for a 5k. This is something I have been wanting to do for the past few months and I am hoping that I can do it. So in the next few months will have to start running. That is one of my goals to accomplish with all of this is to be able to run more. I think I will enjoy running at least I did as a kid. Tonights dinner will be chilli and boy I am looking forward to that. I am glad that at least for dinner I can have some of my favorites.

Day 1 Part 2

So here I am at the end of my first day. It went really good except for the whole gag reflex thing with the pills but managed to get them down. Dinner was awesome. I had 6 oz of grilled chicken on top of a spinach with broccoli, califlower, and carrot salad with a little cheese and light ranch. I also had grilled squash (one of my favorites). I made though mac and cheese for the hubs to have with his grilled chicken and lets just say that the mac and cheese did look rather yummy but I stayed strong and finished my first day and I feel great. I also got my 30 minutes of excercise in today. So all I have to do it get this multivitamin down for the night and than possibly a snack later on if I feel hungry. So far so good although I definite change and I am pretty positive that I got my 100 oz in. I think I might have drank more than 100 oz. Quite a difference from previous when I would barely maybe get a couple of drinks in period for the day. Although the water and the multivitamin helps make you feel full thats for sure. So I am excited to continue on. It also is a huge plus that the shakes are absolutely amazing. They taste like a real shake. Well until tomorrow...

Day 1 Part 1

So I am officially started on my new journey. This morning for breakfast I am enjoying a Cafe Latte shake and a glass of raspberry tea with 32 oz of water (have to get 100 oz in the day). I also have to take a multivitamin and a cell pill (cant remember the name off the top of my head and its in the kitchen). The Cafe Latte shake I am a little disappointed was hoping it would taste a little more like coffee but it is chocolatey in flavor so its not a huge disappointment. One thing that has decided to rear its ugly head is my gag reflex with taking pills. I have never, I repeat never, like swallowing pills and I have a very sensitive gag reflux. I mean like I dont even take anything for a headach ususally because I dont like swallowing pills. Now it hasnt bothered me in ages. I thinks its been about 5 years since I have gagged with a pill and of course today this morning trying to take my cell pill I got it swallowed and of coursed gagged on it. I really hate it and I knew the minute I put it in my mouth it was going to happen so I have yet to take my multivitamin. I am trying to wait to get my mouth and stomach in line so they work together and it is not such an ordeal. Another thing I will definitely have to buy and keep on hand is lemons. I love lemon in my water and I can do that so happy because it makes drinking water so much easier for me. This part the water part will be a big challenge as I do not drink hardly anything during the day. I mean like nothing. I started paying attention and one day I realized that from when I woke up at 730 that morning I did not drink anything until like 230 that afternoon and than yesterday I woke up around 8-830 and didnt drink anything until 130. However I am doing better today. I have never been so excited about anything like this before either. I have the support of first my family (husband, roommate(yes she is family), and inlaws, I havent really told my parents yet living in two different states and different schedules sometimes makes it hard to talk) and a great health coach Claire who I can call and ask questions anytime. It also helps that my roommate is doing the samething and we are learning together. This program is also one that they really work with you and will eventually be able to help you do to even maintain the work you have done the rest of your life.

I wanted to explain my title in this blog. I have always felt like my weight has held me back from a lot of stuff in life. Things that at 25 I shouldnt have to worry about like flying (I have done it before but the last time I flew I knew I had to lose the weight as it was uncomfortable to sit in those chairs and looks I got), going to amusement parks and riding rides (theres always that fear that I wouldnt fit and I would be embarassed and have to be turned away), and also buying clothes having to spend so much more money on clothes to just fit or finding clothes that fit is sometimes really hard, not to mention the lack of energy at times and the now more frequent back pain from the constant of carrying this weight around all the time, and the more serious health risks I am at because I am overweight. So losing this weight (which is myself) that has been my constant companion in life will really be a big thing as I have never known myself as a thin healthy version of myself will really be losing the self I have known my whole life, but I will also be finding my life and everything I have missed out on because of this weight issue. That is why I am excited and That is something to be happy about.


So here are my starting measurements and starting pictures.

Measurements 9/24/2011

Upper Chest: 57 in.
Chest:            69 in
R. Arm:         17 in
L. Arm:         17 in
Waist:           68 in
Hips:             71 in
R Thigh:       28 in
L Thigh:       28 in

A New Journey

Tomorrow I start one of the biggest and best journeys in my life. Tomorrow I begin to find my life as a healthy person. For those who might follow this blog let me give you some background history. I have always struggled with my weight since I was I would say about 3 years old. I have always been heavy. For most of my life I just dealt with it and didnt ever do anything to fix it until I was 17 years old. At that point I started weight watchers. It was a great program and I dropped about 25 lbs in 6 weeks. I never felt hungry or anything, but because I was a minor I had to have a parent go with me to the meetings. Well we went on family vacation and missed 2 meetings and never went back. So back on when the 25 lbs. and probably some more. Than I graduated high school and moved in with my granny. I have the most amazing granny in the world who is also the most amazing cook in the world. So while there and eating homecooked farm meals plus being a freshman in college and eating quick things (like fast food and college cafeteria) also packed on the lbs even more. I than had to quit school and kept living with my granny but I also started working in the next closest town which was about 30 minutes away so a lot of times I would grab something for breakfast and lunch in town at a fast food joint and than eat a homecooked meal at home. Or sometimes grab all three meals depending on what I had to do at night before I would get to come home. So more weight packed on. I decided to eventually move back to Florida. I lived with a family at first and ate as sporadic and crazy as they did. I rarely had time to prepare any meals at home and a lot of times it meant that I was grabbing fast food during the day and eating late meals at night. About a year after moving back to Florida I starting dating a guy who also struggled with his weight. Together we started eating healthier we counted calories ate low fat food, ground turkey, and such; in about 3 months I had lost 30lbs. We got thrown off because of some holidays and birthdays in a short amount of time so while we still tried to eat healthy some of it went back out the window. So I stopped losing weight but didnt gain it back again yet. Then about 8 months after dating we broke up and I gained back the weight I had lost and then some more again. At this point I just had given up I had decided I was just destined to be overweight my whole life. I meet and married my husband in 2009-2010. I was at my heaviest I had ever been and was so amazed that this man could love me this way. He really has been the encouragement to lose this weight that had plagued me my whole life. I want to be around in 30-40-50 years with him and I want to be able to have uncomplicated pregnancies and not have high risk pregnancies because of my weight. My most amazing roommate started a new lifestyle change with herbal life about 2 weeks ago and she has lost about 24 lbs and 16 in. (overall not just from her waist). She has really encouraged me as well. So I will start this tomorrow with her and keep going to a healthy weight. So I will be posting pics and updates as I start this journey. I will also be posting healthy recipes.